So. Life has been hard lately. I've been all over the map emotionally and spiritually. I shoved a lot in because I needed to for a short time, but then I forgot to stet talking again. And it finally messed something up.
Yesterday I was at home working on some stuff thinking through my day when a friend shows up and tells me to grab my dress clothes and my makeup and go with her. I don't do what I'm told very well, but I grabbed my stuff and went. She wouldn't tell me what we were doing... And then on the inside I started to panic.
We went to lunch and then went and got her a new fish... Then we went to get my hair cut. I've been wanting to get my hair cut and she knew that so this was really sweet- but I didn't know what I wanted cause I had just changed my mind to keep it long, and well... Whatever.
Anyhow. Get my hair cut and get my eyebrows waxed- a totally godly pamperig that sent me over the edge emotionally on the inside. When I do stuff to look nice I get horribly scared. (i know, more issues I need to work on). So my hair gets cut and when we're done I can barely look at myself in the mirror. I'm scared, I'm anxious, I'm nervous, and I'm insecure... Not a good thing- but I'm with my best friend... So it should be okay, right? But I found out that when I'm with her I feel safe... And so I feel all the emotions of stuff... But can barely talk about anything... she knew something was up - and kept trying to get me to talk to her about it... but i was so overwhelmed and scared... so i didn't talk.. but i was just getting ready to when another friend showed up to take me somewhere - and then i got even more scared.
the rest of the day was 3 more friends blindfolding me and taking me places... which were all fun - but i couldn't totally enjoy them because i was scared and insecure and freaking out all day... and then the last place was to go to dinner with rob and carolyne (i thought) but i ended up at a suprise party with a bunch of people from church. it was so awesome. i've never had a big party before - especially not a surprise party. i felt so loved... i just couldn't express it.
the night went on - it was fun.. i felt so loved. i have never had anyone do something like that for me before. but it came at a cost...
everything about yesterday ripped me apart emotionally...
i've been struggling with not being able to feel like i'm apart of my new family, that they don't really love me - but carolyne planned this whole thing for me - and had been working on it for months...
i've been struggling with feeling like i'm out of control - and i had absolutely no control over anythign yesterday...
all in all - i hurt my best friend yesterday. i didn't talk to her - but later i talked to other ppl about all the things she had been asking me about... i didn't mean to. i wanted to talk to her - but i didn't know how without leaving the party...
it's been eating me alive all day. i really don't like this feeling...
there's so much more i could say - but i don't know how yet...
