Monday, May 23, 2011

A new friend. A new family. A new hurt.

It's been a while since i posted. it just happens sometimes i guess. So take this post with a grain of salt - and maybe re-read things a few times - cause there's a lot stuck in my head from the past few weeks.

Well, there's been a lot going on at work, in my heart, in my head... God has been working in my life and in the lives around me.

One of the biggest things is that my newest friendship is quickly becoming a very deep and very meaningful big sister. Once again the Lord has placed someone right where i need them the most - and someone that just naturally pushed me to grow and open my heart more to them - and to the Lord. The last few weeks have been full of conversations about me pulling away, covenant community, and a culmination of her saying "i'm taking you into my family wether you like it or not" and me knowing that she meant it. It's been a fun couple days talking about the covenant relationship that God had with israel, and that he still has with us. The fact that his own son was taken into an earthly family through adoption and that he was put into a family line or broken messed up people. Flushing out what it means to be a "family" and musing over how complicated and un-loving we've made christianity in america. And a few days of finding that i actually like reading the bible (the message translation) for the first time ever - that it's stirring my heart in new ways in the very opening lines of the old and new testament.

Today we talked about families - and how Christ was adopted into the line of david - and how his "family" wasn't his nuclear/biological family. My friend expressed how beautiful it was that we're adopted into God's covenant just as Christ was - that if we look at it biblically "family" is anything BUT a nuclear family complete with mom, dad, and 2.5 kids. She talked about how comforting that is - and how beautiful it is to think that people without loving nuclear families shouldn't fret because they have so much more...

... but my heart broke as she spoke those words. as much as i wanted to believe it - and as much as i've experienced bits and pieces of that truth as i've walked through life - it doesn't really penetrate to the deepest parts of my heart. No matter how much a family tries to step in and take me as one of them - there's always a separation of how people treat their biological family and their adopted family. I'm not talking about when parents adopt children - i'm talking foster kids, abandoned, abused, and orphaned kids. There are so many preconceived notions about things that could happen in those relationships. That the kids are broken, and have poor boundaries, and that they're more likely to be taken advantage of.... there are huge walls that are put up in between the hearts of the children and the people who attempt to love them.

but it doesn't have to be that way. right? how can we step out of the box that american culture has put us in. To think of family, true family, as more than just our parents and siblings, and to love the abused, orphaned, and abandoned as our own. What would it take to open our hearts enough to the broken people that they'll feel loved - without a doubt - and they'll be able to learn to trust. To show them what love and grace and family really means?

Sunday, May 8, 2011

a video.

So, as i drove up to Govy this last weekend to shoot a wedding i had a lot going through my head. Most of my friends were heading to Yakima and getting to spend time with our friends up there whom i miss so much - i was thinking through the last year and everything that has happened - and while that was all going on i was stuck listening to the radio (my ipod input doesnt work anymore and i was tired of the one CD i have in the car) and they happened to be interviewing Steven Curtis Chapman. He was talking about the ministry he's been doing and everything that the Lord has been doing through his family's life after the loss of his daughter. He talked alot about adoption and other things and throughout the interview they played cinderella (a song that almost always makes my face leak) and then they talked about how he got asked to be a part of third day's new music video for Children of God. I thought it was REALLY cool. Since i found out my dad died i've been struggling through feeling alone, without a family, and really needing a dad to just give me a big hug and let me know i'm loved and safe. So i went and watched the video today as i was messing around before church... and it made my face leak! seriously - this video is an amazing picture of God's love for us - how he's adopted us into his family - how we are called to love one another unconditionally like our father loves us - and a huge reminder to me that i'm not alone - that i have a huge family of people who love me deeply and even though they're not a biological family like some people get to have, they love me just as much. So, i just thought i'd share that with all of you :) enjoy.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

that time again!

So, life popped back up again - with all it's emotions and awesomeness and pain and fun and worry and well, you get the picture. So, i met with my "kids ministry team" last night... 3 out of the 4 girls that i picked to help me out showed up and i shared vision with them about what i want our ministry to look like, what i'm expecting from them, and what all we needed to work on. It was amazing! Then i went to the young adult bible study small group thingy that our youth pastor is leading (which is always really awkward and not all that cool) but i noticed that because i had just been planning ministry and sharing vision and doing all those things that my heart longs for and has been too afraid to do - i was in a totally different mood during bible study. i talked, i shared, i thought through stuff, i actually learned something  - which in past weeks i've have had a bad attitude about and so i havn't learned anything at small group. It was fun. 

then last night as i slept i had a whole littany of dreams that tore me down, made me feel like a loser and that i couldn't do my job and that i wont be able to pull anything off and you know - blah blah blah satan's lies... yeah, that happened. 

So, i got to work at was messing around and realized that i should blog - cause i havn't done that in a long time and missed getting things out and being real and knowing that i'm somehow still sharing life with my friends. so here it is. 

i'm in ministry - it's growing and people are getting excited - and i'm freaked out and a little bit scared all at the same time!