Sunday, February 27, 2011

avoiding homework

So, are you ready for this - seriously, you should probably be sitting down -


i'm avoiding my homework.

shocker right?

anyhow - i'm trying to avoid math homework - because i have like 20 word problems to solve - and history - cause i just don't want to read right now... anyhow - i figured i'd blog a little and at least attempt to be somewhat productive with my time...

So, tomorrow - i'm starting my 4th/5th grade girls group... i'm excited, nervous, scared, anxious, exhilirated, and overwhelmed - to name a few.

working at a church - in and of itself - has been quite the stress inducer ever since the tragic parting of core life... and this group is going to bring up even more - i'm sure.  One of the major wounds from "that other church" was the jr.high group. I was leading the jr.high group and then i went to europe - and then all of a sudden i wasn't allowed to do ministry anymore. it was said that i had nothing worthwhile to say to jr.highers (amongst other things)... needless to say - i was pretty crushed as far as ministry goes.

so - i started at this church and got a solid group of 4th/5th grade girls just dumped in my lap - eager, energetic, ready to learn, full of questions, and completely bored with the 4th/5th grade sunday school class - so it was a pretty simple choice. start a small group just for them where they can be real, learn to be godly girls, and have a blast.

I've been completely pumped about this - building relationships with the girls (one girl went from complaining about having to go to church, to making sure someone would be home to drive them to church in just a few shorts weeks), planning fun activities, reading through curriculum, and figuring out how to build a special/safe place for the girls. Then last night it all caught up with me: satan started kicking me in the shins and knocking me to the ground. I started feeling completely overwhelmed, believing lies, feeling like i shouldn't be leading anyone, and just wanting to hide in a hole...

then, today during church i was playing drums and Rob started talking in the middle of one of the songs about this ministry next door to us that helps the "street kids" (the ones who've been abandoned and tossed aside) find new life in christ - and then he told the whole church how he had been involved in a ministry just like that and that one of the kids was sitting behind the drum set. it was a pretty sobering reminder that i didn't get myself to this place, i'm not the one who changed my heart, i'm not the one who'll be speaking truth to the darkest places of these students lives, and i'm not the kid who believes lies anymore...

so - that's all. i'm super stoked for this ministry - and it's going to be awesome - the Lord is going to do big things in this church, i'm sure of it. so, if you think about it every monday from 4-6 i'll be meeting with my girls, telling them truth of who they are in christ, and helping them learn to grow up seeking the Lord - if you could pray for girls and for me (that i'd be open and willing to be completely real with the girls) i'd be stoked.

Monday, February 21, 2011


The distance between where i am and where i want to be is so big - so i close my eyes and jump!

I was reading a friends blog the other day - and i found this definition of courage: to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart. This pretty much sums up where i want to be. So, i'm challenging myself to close my eyes and jump!

Sunday, February 20, 2011


I had the chance to spend a day at the beach with one of my dear friends - we explored and cherished the moments that we got to spend together and separately taking in the awesome beauty, wonder, and excitement of hanging out with the Lord at the beach. 

Me and Jesus have a funny little connection with "a-ha" moments and large bodies of water (if i havn't told you about the multnomah falls trip - just ask, it's pretty cool). So, it's no wonder that this day was any different. So, here's the scoop. 

This is a picture of the coolest thing i've ever heart. picture yourself on the beach (one of the rocky ones - not the sandy ones) hanging out, watching the surf come in and out and listening to the roar of the ocean - go ahead, take a moment and think about how cool that is - and then imagine this.... 

a huge wave comes in - farther than some of the rest - and then you watch it go back out and as soon as you notice the wave is out you hear this awesomely loud ROAR - not of the waves - but of thousand and thousands and thousands of those black rocks that had been picked up by wave come crashing back down on each other and settling back into place. It's louder than the waves themselves and the first time you hear it you heart stops for the slightest moment - no joke. 

The first time i heard this i was at the beach with a close friend of mine, ben. He had never been to the pacific ocean - so he was pretty much in awe to begin with - and then we found this secluded lil rocky beach that you had to climbing down to via a really sketchy rope (it was awesome). We got down onto the beach and started talking about how cool the Lord is and then all of a sudden a wave came in (got ben soaking wet) and then left with this incredibly loud sound - it was AWESOME. like the Lord was just showing off a little bit - making sure we really got to the depth of how awesome he is in our conversations (which we did - i'll have to tell you more about that sometime too). 

So, back to a couple days ago... i got to stand on the rocks letting the waves come up and sweep past me (pants rolled up, chaco's on) and then stand in the middle of the coolest sound ever and feel the rocks move under my feet. 

i don't have a well put together point or anything solid that i've learned from this (yet) but the comfort and love that i felt from my papa every time that the waves would come in and then go back out with a crash i knew that my papa was letting me know he was there - and he cares - i'm safe - and he loves me - 

Friday, February 18, 2011

math homework is a lot like growth...

okay - so i'm sitting here doing my math homework. (i hate math). i've been at it for almost 2 hours now - i think, i'm actually not completely sure, it might be more. Anyhow - i did was doing this weeks homework and i got through the first 20 some exercises relatively quickly and felt really proud of myself then it took a turn for the worse - and i stopped moving forward. i couldn't figure out what i was doing - i kept trying and kept getting it wrong... so i thought i'd take a break - let my brain relax a bit and do the written work from the past few weeks (which i've been avoiding). 

small side note: 
So here's the thing. i'm taking an online math class - no classroom time - so i learn the math as i go through the problems each week. As i get to a problem that i don't know how to answer i go through a process that looks kinda like this - guess, try something different, click on "view an example", guess again, try and find it in the book (which by the way is the wrong edition so nothing is exactly the same), "view example" again, guess again, "help me solve this" guess again - and then i either get it right or skip to the next question. sounds fun right? 

back on track: 
so i'm in my book doing my written homework (which i turn in at the end of the semester, so i havn't been keeping up on) and i am 4 weeks behind. i open my book and realize that i vaguely remember what to do. i recognize the problems and how to complete them. it's kinda cool. then i just get tired of that "kinda cool" feeling after i've done like 100 exercises and i'm not even done with that weeks work.... stupid. 

so - i decided to take a real break and check my email. and as i read an email from a friend and started thinking about life i realized that growth is like math (which doesn't make me like it any better) but it made me laugh a bit. 

math teachers give you tons of problems so that you can try and keep trying until the problems make sense and are easy to complete... life gives you lots of chances to try the same thing over and over until it's simple and easy to complete. 

here's the really funny part (at least to me). Most people do a majority of their growing when they're a kid and they learn how to go about different problems by their parents showing them and them asking questions and trying it out - with the parents right there willing to help walk them through how to do it... well - i didn't have parents helping me learn anything while i was a kid... i kinda just made it up as i went - came to a problem guessed, guessed again, tried to think of what someone else would do ("view an example") guess again, and if then i try and fumble through asking someone what to do ("help me solve this")... i have the same problems come up time and time again (asking for help, allowing room for grace, putting words to my emotions) and then i get frustrated that i'm not even done with that week's stuff... 

but just like math - they start to get easier the more you go over it. 

my background picture

I felt like i should share the specialness of the picture i chose for my background.

shortly after the church issues blew, "the shit hit the fan", and scott and mel moved to Yakima i quit my job at coffee people and as a celebration to finally being done wtih that season of life - i drove to yakima for the weekend to be with my friends.

Through all the pain we were in - we were able to go on a little adventure and visit a coffee shop that melody had found - a new place where she could be alone and hang out with the lord and work on letting her heart heal. we went into the basement corner - this quiet little nook with a couple chairs - and we talked about life and love and what our hearts needed most right then. i got to hear truth about the last few months and be real about where my heart was with someone who got it. it was a very special time - at one point i looked up and realized that the ceiling of this little nook was pretty stellar - so i snapped a few pictures to save as a reminder of the love, pain, growth, grace, and redemption that was was taking place...

and since this blog is about love, grace, truth, growth, and redemption i thought it was fitting.

more picture and more stories to come.

to answer your questions...

questions questions... here's my answers. 

It's been a little bit since i've been on a date with Jesus - but, the last time i went on one was shortly after i moved to salem - i went down to silver creek falls and walked around. me and jesus have a special bond around waterfalls. So i was wandering around letting the spray from the waterfall wash over me and remind me of my papa's love and grace washing over me and then i found this lil nook in the rock behind the waterfall and sat and just hung out with jesus for a while. it was very cool. 

my ministry - well, i just got a job at the church that rob (my old youth pastor/dad guy) is the new worship pastor at... i'm the children's ministry coordinator. So, i get to build a rockin children's ministry program that is family based and teaches the lil tikes the truth about their papa loving them. It's very scary and very cool - all at the same time. the church is moving towards a family based ministry (i have no idea what that looks like - family isn't neccessarily in my vocab in regards to being a kid) and so i feel like i'm sprinting in the dark through the forest hoping i don't run face first into a tree. but i also don't have any preconceived notions about what it should look like - so i'm able to try some crazy things and just see what happens - i love it. 

Lately i've been praying like crazy to be able to tangible see and feel papa's love in my life. that's such a hard concept for me - but the other day i went out on a limb and asked this girl at work (who i really want to become friends with and grow with and be real with) to go out to lunch - and we talked and talked - she's so open and able to just talk about whatever is going on even though she's had some pretty gnarly hurts in her past - my mind was blown at how easily she was sharing with me - and then she started talking about something and the lord opened my ears to hear he say the exact same words that i had been struggling with for the last few months...  when i felt the most alone and needed a special kind of friend the lord stuck one right in front of me and said go. it was pretty cool. 

and what's been stirring up my heart - well - that's a loaded question. with being in a new place and being away from everyone i felt safe with - and with basically living with my parents (for the first time) and getting a job at a church - the last few month's have been a wild ride. I've been longing for a deeper, more intimate relationship wtih my papa - to be able to run into his arms instead of trying to run to people... to live and learn and breathe new life - i want to be a light for the students i get to work with - and show them the sweet love of their papa and help them live in the freedom of his love. and i want to become the godly woman that the Lord created me to be. seeking his will in everything i do.  

i'm looking to fall in love with my papa. 

papa's arms

I'm 24. I have a job. a car. i pay my own bills. i just paid off my first credit card. i have my own business. i've beat all the odds. i'm back in school. i'm strong. i'm confident. i can do whatever i set my mind to.

but when i'm by myself, sitting in my office working, sitting at a coffee shop doing homework, when i turn the lights off at night and lay on my bed - i'm lost. i'm confused. i'm hurting. and i feel so alone. i'm a scared little girl who just wants to be able to cry in someone's arms.

i want to curl up in my papa's arms.

Lately one of the hardest things has been watching Rob with Rachel and Padraig. Watching the kids be completely loved, safe, and content in their daddy's arms - it makes my heart long for a father's embrace of his little girl. My dad never hugged me or told me he loved me - he was physically around but i don't know anything about him. I always had this secret longing that someday i'd wake up and he'd be the loving caring affectionate father i always wanted/needed. 5 months ago he died. i learned more about my dad reading his obituary than i ever knew about him after living with him for 18 years. The grieving process is messy - but i don't even know how to attempt it - i'm broken over the loss of a father i never had and never will have. grieving the loss of something you never had - it's just confusing.  Every time i see a rob hugging one of the kids my chest gets tight and my heart sinks, longing for something i'll never have.

i just want to curl up in my papa's arms. in someone's arms. and feel loved, and safe.

i've written this post 4 different ways now. i want it to sound eloquent and put together. maybe even a bit cheeky. i even thought about not writing it - but if my blog is about being real - i can't skip the thing that's wrecking me. So, it's not pretty, it's not witty, and it's not done... but it's raw.

God doesn't waste our pain.

A wise man i know once told me (along with a few other people, actually) "God does not waste our pain." This simple little thought has been said, contemplated on, ignored, hated, clung to, taught, and has penetrated my heart.

Pain is something I hate, but happen to be very familiar with. It's not wasted.

I'm a verbal processor trapped inside a body that tell me talking isn't safe - so my hope is that this blog will help me to process and learn to talk with my hands and then with my mouth. To think through the pain, tell myself truth, and then share it with others - so it's not wasted.

I have a story to tell - hell, i have LOADS of stories to tell - hopefully one day my stories with be a catalyst for someone, even just one, to run into the arms of their savior.

"tonight begins a different way - let my life become an offering to you." S.O.

this is the cry of my heart.

If you're reading this - i want to share life with you - wherever you happen to be (near or far) - so please, interact and ask questions - i like questions.