Friday, February 18, 2011

papa's arms

I'm 24. I have a job. a car. i pay my own bills. i just paid off my first credit card. i have my own business. i've beat all the odds. i'm back in school. i'm strong. i'm confident. i can do whatever i set my mind to.

but when i'm by myself, sitting in my office working, sitting at a coffee shop doing homework, when i turn the lights off at night and lay on my bed - i'm lost. i'm confused. i'm hurting. and i feel so alone. i'm a scared little girl who just wants to be able to cry in someone's arms.

i want to curl up in my papa's arms.

Lately one of the hardest things has been watching Rob with Rachel and Padraig. Watching the kids be completely loved, safe, and content in their daddy's arms - it makes my heart long for a father's embrace of his little girl. My dad never hugged me or told me he loved me - he was physically around but i don't know anything about him. I always had this secret longing that someday i'd wake up and he'd be the loving caring affectionate father i always wanted/needed. 5 months ago he died. i learned more about my dad reading his obituary than i ever knew about him after living with him for 18 years. The grieving process is messy - but i don't even know how to attempt it - i'm broken over the loss of a father i never had and never will have. grieving the loss of something you never had - it's just confusing.  Every time i see a rob hugging one of the kids my chest gets tight and my heart sinks, longing for something i'll never have.

i just want to curl up in my papa's arms. in someone's arms. and feel loved, and safe.

i've written this post 4 different ways now. i want it to sound eloquent and put together. maybe even a bit cheeky. i even thought about not writing it - but if my blog is about being real - i can't skip the thing that's wrecking me. So, it's not pretty, it's not witty, and it's not done... but it's raw.

1 comment:

  1. Ashley, you have a beautifully raw amazing heart and an even more amazing Papa that wants to guard and mature that heart until it reflects Jesus perfectly. He is always by your side and despite the tremendous loss that is wrecking your soul, I see an untamable beauty breaking forth from the fabric of your being! And that my friend makes me just plain stoked. WE NEED TO HAVE A DATE when I'm back in the country. I'm excited to read about your life, but I'm even more pumped to walk with you through it! Hang on sweetie, this grieving process of losing a Father you never had is certainly a bumpy messy road, but this Jesus you speak of seems to be the best out there at calming the storms and cleaning up messes ;) love to you! Dsue