Dad stuff

I had a great conversation with a friend today... It was so good to get to catch up and just be real with someone... There's a certain group of friends that I can be truly real with... It was a great feeling. I habit been able to have a conversation like that in a while. And although it was awesome - it was really hard too. Hard to he real after being able to hide for the last year, hard to hear a friend hurting so badly, and hard to be asked some simple questions that cut to the depths of my heart.

The one question that I think hurt the most was the "have you been dealing with dad stuff?" it's such a simple little question but it sent my heart into a panic. I made a choice not to dig into dealing with that last year when I found out he passed away, I made another decision earlier this year when it started wearing on me emotionally - and although my friend said it was probably okay, that I'd know when it was time to deal with it... I think the answer is that I've known since last year it was time to deal with it...

Lately there's been a huge weight on my heart in regards to anything family oriented. There always is this time of year - but this year there's more pain to deal with and I just don't think I can handle it. my birthday was never mine - it was shared with my abusive cousin - and now it's also marked with the anniversary of my dad's death (a week after my birthday)... so, it's been a year and i haven't talked to anyone about dad stuff...

although i want to stick with the "it's okay - you'll know when it's time" philosophy, i think it's probably time to stop running from pain and listen to the truth i hear in the lyrics of one of my favorite songs by scott "i'm all in"

so now i try and figure out where to go from here.