Saturday, April 2, 2011

hallmark is kryptonite

I just spent a couple days up in PDX visiting some great friends. it was an amazing weekend - in so many ways - and a very emotional weeekend - in so many ways. which seems to be the story of my life right now ... awesome and hard and emotional - all wrapped up in a nice crispy burrito. uh - not sure about the burrito - but the rest of it. :)

i got to hang out with a friend that i have a very sweet friendship with. It's a friendship based in truth and authenticity and love. we hang out - and in the same breath can be talking about heart breaking/gut wrenching things going on and bring tears from laughing so hard... i cherish that friendship and the growth it has brought me. (so that was the amazing part - here comes the emotional part) that friend in moving to alaska in T-minus 74-ish days. Bummer. The story of why she's going to alaska is amazing - and i'm so freakin stoked for her and all the adventures she'll have (and for another reason to visit AK) but it is still heart breaking news (selfishly) for me.

Today i went to a baby shower for a friend that was told repeatedly she wouldn't be able to have kids - and after multiple miscarriages - is now pregnant with twins! such an amazing time to go see her little preggo belly and get to see her beaming with joy. i'm so excited for her and her little family.

After the shower me and a friend went up to Paradise (Agape) cause i needed to make a list of stuff we need to make some upgrades.... A, it snowed like crazy up there... and i was wearing chaco's.... B, i fell in love with that place once again. Every time i go up there it stirs my heart to long for more... more growth, more challenge, more freedom, more jesus, more truth... it's one of few safe places for me - (that was the awesome part - here comes the emotional part) because i got a job (another awesome part) working at a church in salem - i had to step down from being the lead on the challenge course up there... my time up at paradise this year is going to be limited to about 4 days. Bummer.

So as i sit here thinking through the last couple days my heart feels like an emotional roller coaster. And yet somehow - i'm completely content.

I don't understand this at all, but somehow there is a very sweet and very cherished relationship between deep pain and deep peace. I can be crushed in spirit and alive in hope all at the same exact time... EXACT SAME TIME... there's not a switch - simultaneous bi-polar emotional health.  i think that's what i'm going to call it. :)

Today while i was driving out to sandy to pick up my friend i had a surreal experience. I was driving out 26 and i came around the first corner before you start on the straight away towards Good Shepherd.... and i could see the quarter mile of flashing police lights that had once lit up that stretch of road - a family giving the highest honors to a dear friend. Monday will be the 2 year anniversary of 2 friend going to see Jesus. As i drove out 26 today my heart sank as i remembered their lives - the strength, passion, and true joy that oozed from them as they lived their lives... my eyes teared up as my heart started beating faster and i thanked my papa for giving me the chance to know them and be a part of their lives - to have learned from them, to have been priveledged to experience life with them, and look up to them...  i was crushed and thankful at the same time...

This "simultaneous bi-polar emotional health" is so sweet. Cherish it. don't fight it. sit in the uncomfortable feelings of pain and joy - and let Jesus come wrap you up in his arms... holding you tight and safe...

i use to feel weak when i felt anything - and was scared when my emotions were so conflicted. sometimes those lies pop up still... but i'm learning that there is strength in being weak. there is strength in being able to be broken in spirit and find joy and peace in the Spirit. The more i feel, the more i'm letting jesus into my life, the weaker i'm becoming, and the stronger Jesus is becoming in me... Jesus oozes out of my pours while i sit in the uncomfortable question provoking feelings of my conflicted soul. And now - instead of running from these moments - i'm going to cherish them... and let my papa wrap me up in His arms.

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