i don't wanna!

so far this week there have been 2 funerals at church. i havn't had to go to either (i watched an incredibly cute lil boy while his grandparents helped with the services) BUT that doesn't mean that the Lord didn't use the fact that there was a funeral to stir up some pain that has been shoved deep deep down in my heart. 

I wasn't able to mourn my dad's passing when it happened (i was running a camp and a few retreats) and even if i hadn't been doing that - i'm not really sure i would have even known where to begin - cause i still don't know where to begin. the concept of mourning the loss of someone you loved - i sorta get. the concept of mourning the loss of someone who hurt you and abandoned you, or mourning someone i didn't have - yep, i have NO CLUE where to begin. 

it feels so weird to be sad, to start to cry when i hear a story of someone's loving father (or parents), for my heart and emotions to go crazy when there is a funeral happening at the other end of the church, to lay in bed at night trying as hard as i can to think of a good memory of me and my dad but only remembering pain, to have someone ask if your okay and not really know what to say back... it's kinda wearing me out.

The Lord is good, he is the father i never had, and never will have - and he wants me to heal - and he keeps pulling up the emotions to try and help me push through this, but i just feel so lost. everything hurts, i have no words for it, and i just don't wanna deal with it. 

but then i remember that i don't roll that way anymore, i should be running hard to my papa's arms, letting it hurt, letting myself cry, letting him into the dark scary parts of my heart where i've shoved all this pain. 

Lord - help me run to your arms.